Other Jokes

I don’t know much about the Titanic, all I know is the tip of the iceberg.

Just realized Gotham has no plan for signalling Batman if there’s a daytime emergency. – Aren’t you glad God always has a plan.

Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week. The rest are weekdays.

What gets harder to catch the faster you run?  Your breath! 

Fun fact, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, there are many words that start with the letter N, but nothing starts with the letter N and ends with the letter G.

I haven’t been skiing in years. My technique is going downhill fast.

Fun fact, Scotland is approximately 50% land. The other half is Scot.

People say that scarecrows are outstanding in their field. But I’m like, why are you surprised? I mean hay… it’s in their jeans.

I took my wife to Antarctica for our 10th anniversary. That’s when our marriage really went south.

It’s ok if you don’t know what “armageddon” means. It’s not the end of the world.

When I was young there was only 25 letters in the Alphabet? Nobody knew Y.

I invented a new word! Plagiarism.

Restaurant Karma: There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

What award did the man win who created knock knock jokes? The no bell prize.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

What’s Brown and sticky? A stick

Pessimist: Oh, this can’t get any worse! Optimist: Yes, it can!

Why is it so cold in December? Because it’s Decembrrrr!

Why is it so breezy In the late summer? Because it is au-gust.

What do you call a snowman in July? Water!

What do snowmen wear in January? Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around in January? By riding “ice”-cycles!

How do you make a band stand? You take away their chairs!

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!

What kind of water can’t freeze? Hot water!

My wife wants me to grow out the hair on the back of my head. I guess I’ll have to mullet over.

What is the one thing that can make any man mean? The letter e.

Never buy a hot water heater. It’s a scam. True hot water never needs to be heated.

To anyone who’s ever lent money to a friend that they never paid back, just remember: you are not a loan.

I got an email from a cartography website claiming to help people read maps backwards.  It was spam.

Who else would like to see a puppet show without the puppets? Let’s see a show of hands…

I wrote a book called The Overflowing Cemetery.  It didn’t have enough plot.

Did you hear about the person named “Name” who got knighted. His name is “Sir Name,” but his surname is “Name.”

The bread dough wanted into the new club, the oven club, but first he had to prove himself.