Jokes about Church and the Bible

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “Don’t pay for me, Daddy, I’m under five.”

During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings. The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong. His reply was priceless: “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization:
A religious woman upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it

When was Adam created?… A little before Eve.

Why did the prophets who were against Elijah on Mount Carmel get such a severe punishment? They couldn’t make baal.

What organization cannot predict the future? A non-prophet organization.

the first mention of “laxatives” in the Bible?… In Exodus, the part when “Moses took the tablets and went into the wilderness”

Who is the smartest with their money inside the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter, because she went down to the bank of the Nile and pulled up a little prophet.

How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it!

Who was the fastest runner in the Bible? Adam—he was first in the human race!

Why didn’t Noah go fishing? Because he only had two worms!

Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean? Because he knew there was something fishy about it!

Who was the smallest person in the Bible? Bildad the Shuhite (shoe-height)!

What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? Ruthless!

Why did Samson try to avoid arguments? He didn’t want to split hairs!

Why did Noah have to discipline the chickens? Because they kept using foul language!

How do groups of angels greet each other? “Halo there!”

What kind of car would Jesus drive? A Chrysler!

Who is the best comedian in the Bible? Samson—he brought the house down!

Why did God create man before woman? Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it!

What’s Peter’s favorite card game? Go Fish!

Where was Solomon’s temple located? On the side of his head!

What’s Eve’s favorite food? Ribs!

Who was the first tennis player in the Bible? Joseph—he served in Pharaoh’s court!

How do we know Abraham was smart? He knew a Lot!

Why did everyone on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They always said, “Neigh!”

How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel!

Who in the Bible had the greatest business plans? The prophets!

Why did the Israelites wander for 40 years? Because even then, men wouldn’t ask for directions!

Who was the most successful doctor in the Bible? Job—he had the most patients!

Why did Lot’s wife look back? Because she forgot her salt shaker!

What type of spicy food will we eat in heaven? Hallow-peños

Did you know Moses had a dog? He didn’t like to talk about it, because of what happened. He played fetch with it, with a stick. The dog never came back, the stick did.

Did you hear about the person who brought the Apostle Paul a sack of apples. Paul said, “You’re bearing the wrong fruit.”